Current Love Life Questions
Current Questions
My wife and I married when we were very young: 17 and 18 years old. We have three sons together and except for an occasional fight, we get along pretty well. We have two children together. It's been good most of the time we have our fights occasionally, But here’s what happened .... starting 2 weeks ago.
She has been saying for a while that I am always watching the television or on the computer and that I don’t pay enough attention to her....that I don’t appreciate her. She’s right: she does a lot for our family pays the bills, cleans the house, takes care of the children. The last year I haven’t done much for her.
I decided to turn off the TV and not use the computer at home for a week. I thought things were going well....and then BAM......she tells me that she wants a separation.
That threw me and I became a real jerk again. She has this male friend that she confides in when I’m a jerk. She took the kids and stayed at his house...which only made me more mad. After a few days, I apologized to her. We both agreed to take a few weeks apart, but keep talking. I told her she could move back into the house and I would stay somewhere else.
I went by the house to pick up some of my clothes and I found divorce papers filled out. She says the papers won’t be turned in if we can straighten things out.
Now I am really upset with myself.....because I drove her to this.
How can I show here that I love her? How can I become a better man? If not in this relationship....in a future one?
I hate to tell you, but this is not an uncommon scenario.
It's something I hear over and over again: the wife has been telling her husband--for a few years--that she is not happy....or that her needs are not being met....or that she no longer feels loved.
And the husband does not take her seriously, until she says separation or divorce.
This is, I believe, a result of the differences in our genders: men pay more attention to actions: such as actually moving out or filing for divorce. Women pay more attention to words and discussion. When a woman tells you that she has a problem in the marriage.....trust me, you have a problem, too.
If you listen to her and try to work out the changes that your marriage needs, you are much less likely to get to a divorce.
Women will tell you again and again....and they tend to hang in there for a while. But, once they give up, they reach a point of no return...it is very difficult to turn things around.
Your story also tells me that she may have fallen in love with the confidant you mention....while she wasn't getting what she needed in the marriage. You need to ask her that directly.....because if she has...it's probably over for your marriage.
If he truly is just a friend, here's what has the greatest chance of getting her back.
1. Tell her you will do whatever it takes to get her back: including marriage therapy and your own therapy (to be a better man).
2. Ask her out on a couple of fun dates, where you don't just discuss the problems....but instead....have fun, like you did in the beginning of the relationship.
3. Don't try to 'show her how you have changed.' Change does not happen that quickly and she won't believe you.
And lastly, ask yourself: Do you love her? Or is it more that you don't want to be alone? If you don't love her--just haven't let yourself realize it--then none of the above will really work for the long term.
Hoping for the Best,
I don't feel like I'm wanted in a sexual way by my husband. We have sex maybe once a week and it feels more like it's something he has to do and not wants to do. I want to feel wanted in that way, but no idea what to do.
When we argue about it, he says that he's too tired and just wants to go to bed. But I was also told that I nag him too much which then causes him not to want to have sex with me. When I asked him why he started to dip again after quitting smoking 4 months ago, he said he didn't know.
The other big issue is his video games. He plays from the time he gets home from work at 5PM till about 11PM. I would ask him to stop, he said it was his way of relaxing. Even when I came to him in cute outfits, he would says 'cute' and continue to play. I've been feeling like this for about three or 4 months.
My husband works at a car parts store as a manager. He now has to go to different stores every week to fill in for managers or when an extra person is needed. He's not happy without the manager job. I'm healthy and in shape. My husband is 28 years old. It's not that sex is bad....the problem is getting him to want me. I have no idea what to do.
I know it's tough to no longer be desired by the man you love.
The good news is that it's not you. The bad news is that your husband seems depressed right now, even if it doesn't appear that way. He could seem lazy and selfish right now. Most people do not want to be lazy...it's often depression.
One of the most common signs of depression is 'numbing out.' That's what the dip and the video games do for him. Some people use drinking or gambling or food--to try and comfort themselves. This constant, almost role activity, helps him to tune out his bad feelings. People medicate themselves with smoking, too.
Its also more common than you might think....that depression looks like this.
So here's my best advice:
1. Stop asking him for sex for right now. Set your goal to not mention it directly to him for at least a month.
2. Create a surprise dinner date with him. Send him a card telling him about it and specifically state in the card....that this is not about getting sex, but just wanting to spend some quality time with him.
3. Don't say at any point: we have to talk. Men hate that. It scares them; it makes them feel like they've done something wrong and are about to be scolded for it.
At dinner--in a relaxed atmosphere--tell him you know that he's not lazy and that you know he loves you. Tell him that that the 'argument' about sex is just your own security.
Ask him how he feels about his current job. (It may feel like a demotion) to him. And then listen. Listen well: meaning... don't assume that you know the answer. When he makes a statement, don't assume that you understand it, ask him to tell you more if you're not sure what he means.
Tell him that you miss him...that he's unavailable...for now...and you want to understand what he is going through....that you don't want the two or you to grow apart and end up in the 50% divorce statistic.
To be effective--to get your husband back--all of this has to be done is a supportive way. For example, I miss you and I don't want to lose you...I don't want to end up divorced like the 50% of marriages do...is very different from "we are going to be divorced if this doesn't change."
These suggestions will not work in an argument. They will not solve the sex argument, because sexual desire is not the real problem. That will most likely straighten itself out naturally if the other issues are dealt with.
When we make love, it tears down our walls and exposes our feelings. He is very busy medicating himself with his hobbies....and making love could expose him to his feelings.
He may need medication for depression and/or anxiety.
Tell him that you too can get through this period if you work together and that you still love him.
BTW, I would give the same advice to a man in your situation.
I wish you the best Heather. Please let me know how it goes.
My wife and I got engaged October of 2008 and while planning our wedding, we found out she had became pregnant. The last couple months before the wedding were very stressfull as i felt that i didnt please her and she felt I did not listen to her needs, we married in August 2009 and had our daughter in january 2010.
During the rest of the pregnancy I feel like I was more of a burden and could have been more supportive but i wasnt. it seemed like things were getting better for a while, then she decided to go back to work.
She complained about how stressful it was to get our daughter ready and herself ready before work, and how it was almost not worth going back and how close she was to quitting. I listened and replied with "well nobody asked you to go back to work" because i wanted her to stay home and raise our child.
We can survive off my income but getting a house of our own will take longer. she once again blew up in my face about how i am not being supportive of her decisions and i just dont understand what i really did wrong. please help i dont want to lose her or my daughter.
First, congratulations on seeing the problem and doing something before it gets bigger. Many people just wait too long and what started out as a little bump....becomes a mountain.
There are several things you can do to change things between yourself and your wife. A new mother can easily be overwhelmed, unattractive and moody. A new father can feel left out and neglected. You both can feel like you 'lost' the one you fell in love with. And in your case, it's important for both of you that you tell one another often.....that you would have married anyway....that you weren't forced into it because of a pregnancy.
When you--as a couple--are already pregnant on the day you get married, you can easily worry about the other person feeling 'trapped' or 'not wanting to be there in the marriage.'
Adding a child to a marriage is a HUGE stress and requires your attention--to work out how to still be a couple.
It truly is very difficult to do all of the work .... both inside....and outside the home. Ask her how you can help her--what you can do, so that she will feel like your partner....that the two of you can solve anything if you work together.
First, ask her to go out with you for dinner....just the two of you. Tell her that you will also take care of getting the babysitter...that you want some quality time with her. Don't tell her that you want to talk to her then.
Tell her that you will do whatever it takes to keep her in your life. Ask her what she needs for support? Find out how you two can work together as partners? Secondly, when you are at dinner.....tell her what you told me....that you love her very much and don't want to lose her....that, if you had it to do all over again, you would still want to marry her.
Find out what she really wants. Does she want to work outside the home, but is finding it more difficult to be a Mom and a Career Woman? Or does she really want to stay home for a while, but is feeling guilty about not helping the family? And here's the most important part.
Just be quiet and listen to what she has to say. Listening to someone....truly listening...is one of the greatest, most loving things you can do for one another. This is HER TIME to talk....so don't get defensive, no matter what she says. Ask her questions to try and understand better what she feels like and the struggles she is having as a new Mom.
"Well....nobody asked you to go back to work" is not the best way to approach her. "Honey, do you feel like you have to work or do you want to work? I will support you either way. I want you to do what makes you happy. If you want to stay home can live on my income for now, so that you can follow what is best for you"?
And then....the hard part.... you have to back it up by your actions.
Think of it this way: if you're wife has a problem, you have a problem too.
Together you can decide how you want your married life to be....and together, you can do what it takes to make it that way.
Wishing you the Best,
I went on a first date with someone I met on match.com two days ago. I think we both had a great time--easy to make eye contact and good conversation. We talked for over 4 hours, withot even realizing it. He said it was nice to meet me and gave me a hug.
I emailed him the next morning and thanked him for a good time. He wrote back and said that he also enjoyed the date.
He knew I had an important job interview the next day and he texted me: 'Good Luck.'
How do I know if he's interested in me? Do I ask him or just wait until he contacts me?
Give the guy a chance to decide he wants to see you again. It's only been 2 days and it seems that he has been connected....writing the text and answering your email. But you risk (1) scaring him away and/or (2) taking away his ability to feel he made the choice.
One thing I know for sure--if a man is interested, he will let you know.
If you haven't already seen the movie, "He's Just Not That Into You," I recommend that you check it out.It's common for women....in particular...to make all kinds of excuses for why you're not hearing from a guy you're interested in:
"Maybe he lost my number," "maybe he doesn't think I want to see him again," "maybe someone in his family died..."
Not only will a man let you know if he's interested....but the chase--the pursuit of a woman--is so important to a man.
So sit back, wait for him to pursue...and enjoy being chased.....if not by him, by some other man you'll be meeting in the future.
You have the right to be chased by a man who thinks you're wonderful. Don't settle for anything else. Share your doubts with your girlfriends...not him.
Good Luck. Enjoy!
After 15 years of being married to my wife, her friends and family keep bringing up her past partners and exploits. It has affected my ability to trust her. How do spouses deal with a partner's promiscuous past that keeps coming up this many years later?
My first thought is to wonder why friends and family keep bringing up your wife's past....especially after this many years. I'm surprised it doesn't bother your wife. If it doesn't bother her, I would ask her why?
It's really your wife's responsibility to ask these friends and family members--one by one--to stop re-living her past.... explaining that it is damaging to her marriage.
This is very important: if you have to choose between your spouse or your family of origin, it needs to be your spouse whose feelings you protect. Protecting one another and putting the other first is a big part of building trust.
Your wife's taking this action says that you and your feelings are more important to her than any fun the family may get out of reminiscing.
If your wife is unwilling to do this or seems to get a kick out of it when they bring up her past, there is some other issue being played out: struggle for control? lingering resentment over something unresolved between the two of you? If your wife does not want to protect your feelings, there is a bigger problem that lies beneath the surface.
I am currently going through a break up with a man I have been seeing (off and on) for 2 years. Even though we both agreed that this has to end, it still hurts like crazy! See, he still "wants to be friends" and talk, but to me, that just makes it worse.
Everyone keeps saying to me that "living good is the best revenge" and that the best approach is to move forward and go on positively and never let him know how much I am hurting!
What exactly is meant by that statement? Does it mean to just go out, be happy, and act like it doesn't bother me? Because it DOES bother me!! Does this approach really help, and if so, do you cut all contact with your ex? Or is the whole point to keep the lines of communication open and allow them to see that you can go on without them??? I would appreciate any advice you have!
Although trying to "get the best revenge by living well" can be a way to keep us busy and just angry enough to keep moving forward, it's really not the resolution to your dilemma. You're grieving and find it difficult to even talk to him right now.
Everyone is different. Honor your feelings. Tell him it is just too painful for you to be "friends" right now. Most often, it takes time for those feelings to go away....I mean a significant amount of time... as in 1-3 years. And for some people, it never works to be friends.
For you to be able to grieve and truly move on - not just "look like" you've moved on - it's best that you not see him or talk to him right now. That will be the best way for you to accept the loss, grieve the loss and truly be open to a new relationship.
I have known my boyfriend for 2 years, but I have only dated him for 2 months. He recently asked me to marry him. I'm not sure what to say because I still have feelings for my ex. What should I do?
Tell him you're honored, but that it is too soon for you. And then go about the grieving for the loss of the last relationship. It wouldn't be a good idea for either of you to decide on marriage when you're not over the last relationship.
It's probably not necessary this early in a dating relationship to hurt his feelings by telling him you're still trying to get over an ex, but if he continues to insist on a marriage commitment, you may have to explain it to him.
If you feel stuck in the grieving and are having trouble getting over the last relationship, consider hypnosis as a means to help you get unstuck.
My husband and I have been married for 8 years and it is the second marriage for both of us. I have one 6 year old son and he has 2 girls, ages 16 and 18.
I always thought we would have a child of our own together even though he would casually say he didn't want any more children....when I would bring it up. Last week he went to his urologist and had a vasectomy without telling me! I found out when he got home from the procedure. I feel cheated and betrayed. How can I forgive him...or can I?
Vasectomies can be reversed, by the way. But that, of course, will not solve the bigger problem which is: not only forgiveness and lack of trust, but lack of communication.
First--communication. Somehow you decided that he really didn't mean it when he said he didn't want anymore children. "I don't want any more children" means "I don't want any more children" .... casually said or not.
Two questions to ask yourself: how did you react when he said those words? Were you really listening or hoping you could eventually change his mind? And why didn't he feel he could tell you he was going to have a vasectomy?
It's completely understandable that you feel betrayed. It WAS a betrayal on his part. Secretly having a vasectomy is NOT the way to solve the issue. This is similar to his having an affair. It will take time to forgive, lots of communication about what happened and both of you owning up to your own respective parts in this dilemma.
Then only can can decide if you can forgive him...and your forgiveness may depend on his reason as to why he went out and got a vasectomy, without telling you.
Find out why he did it...and listen to his answer. If he's truly remorseful, it may be something the 2 of you have to work through. If he acts like he did nothing wrong after you have thoroughly talked about it, you do not have much of a partnership.
Right now, you're still reeling from the betrayal. He needs to understand that forgiveness takes time and faking forgiveness to yourself or to your husband will not work over the long term.
Generally, when we love someone, we want to forgive them. If he has never given you any other reason to mistrust him in 8 years, it's definitely worth the effort to forgive.
I have just celebrated my 25th anniversary with my husband. We have 4 children; our youngest is the only one remaining at home and she will be going to college net year.
Over the years my husband has had 2 affairs that I have found out about. The last one was 10 years ago. I have never been able to trust him and he agreed to remain completely accountable to me every hour of the day when I agreed to remain with him 10 years ago. But the truth is I have always resented him for it.
Now -- with our youngest about to leave home, I'm wondering if I should just leave him. I'm tired of being uneasy about where he is all the time. What should I do? Should I stay for the sake of the family? The kids love their father and don't know about any of this.
The most striking element of your letter to me: is the lack of any mention of your loving your husband. The kids love him. Well, that's good....but they are not married to him and will have their own lives.
Without love and forgiveness, your resentment will most likely continue to grow...not only that you resent him, but you could end up resenting your children too.
Ask yourself what other reasons might be in play here.
1. Are you afraid of being by yourself? 27 years together is a long time and doesn't prepare you for the single life.
2. Are you afraid of what your children (or others) will think when they find out the details?
You never settled the trust issue if you had to know your husband's whereabouts all day long. It's more likely that you were never able to forgive him, which is clearly understandable.
You can't fake forgiveness. It never works. Forgiving someone after an affair varies according to the individual: sometimes it is possible and sometimes it is not. Of course, it's much more difficult after a second affair.
Bottom Line is: If you want love in your life--which is based on respect and trust--you probably are not going to find it here...if you haven't done so in 10 years. If you leave, there is no guarantee you will find that love and respect, but at least it will again be possible for you.
I've been seeing a girl (Amie) for the past two months. I'm 22 and she's 19. I'm a virgin, and she's not.
We have fun together and kiss and hug a lot. I want to have sex with her, and I'm sure she's willing. But I don't want to make a fool of myself the first time. So I'm afraid to have sex with her even though I want to. And I think we're both starting to feel uncomfortable not going farther physically.
My best guy friend tells me to just do what feels natural. But I can't even picture what would feel natural, let alone do that.
I like Amie and want to take our relationship farther physically. And I also want to feel capable of having sex with other girls in the future.
I also feel like there's something wrong with me, because I never hear about other guys having the same challenge. I have a lot of self-confidence in most other situations in life, but this is really bothering me.
Is there anything practical I can do? And am I unusual for feeling this way.
Although I know it must be a difficult situation for you. But dealing with it now--with a 19 year old--will be easier than it will be later, with someone older and more experienced.
I believe that you need to talk to her about it, even if it’s very uncomfortable. First, if you don’t talk about it, she could be thinking that you find her undesirable in some way. You might even be surprised to find out that she will feel special to be the first one.
It’s kind of sad, but true in today’s world, that both men and women are embarrassed to say they are virgins if they’re older than 17 or 18 years old. So you’re not alone. And because people keep that ‘secret’ to themselves, you might think you’re the only one: not true.
She might feel special to be your first experience. Most women love it when you communicate something this intimate to them. It usually makes them feel closer to you and more attracted to you.
I would suggest that (1) you tell her you have something very uncomfortable to talk to her about. Then (2) ask her how she feels about that? She will probably tell you (in some way) that she understands and/or share something about her first experience.
You’re experience has to start somewhere, so why not here? With someone you’re attracted to? You will feel very free once you are on the other side of the ‘first time.’
I have been dating a guy for 8 months who has a 7 year old son. Everything has been wonderful: he is very attentive and affectionate. But there are a couple of things bothering me.
First, he said when we met, that he has not dated very much because he hates women. After we were together a while, I got a call from an ex-girlfriend telling me she was his ex-girlfriend. She had moved on and was happy in her new relationship. But she said she felt she should warn me ....that when they broke up, he sent a letter to all of her friends, where he said awful, untrue, crazy things about her. At first, I thought she was exaggerating, but I saw the letter and it really was hateful and vicious.
He never sees his two children, ages 3 and 5....telling me that it's because he can't stand their mother and refuses to talk to her...even to see the children. I asked him to think about the effect on the children over the long haul. He says he doesn't feel like a father any more anyway. His ex does offer him time with his kids).
A few days ago, we had an argument and he blurted out that he wished that I would stop mentioning his children..and implied that he had given them up for me.
This is a part of him that I had not seen before. In spite of all his great affection and attention....there is something I cannot see. Now I'm afraid of what he might do if we break up.
What do you think? Am I making too big a deal, here?
His ‘other side’ is very visible if you are willing to look.
Yikes! You are not over-reacting: you are under-reacting.
I understand why you fear what he will do if you leave, but what he will do if you stay?
Think about it. Were you hoping to marry this man someday and have children with him? That’s a scary thought.
This man is abusive and leaving him will be a short-term blip of his rage, which you can explain to your close friends.
If you feel in danger, contact a shelter to find out how to leave safely or get a court protection order if you need it.
And if a man tells you, he hates women.....BELIEVE HIM!
I know that it’s difficult after you’ve become involved with someone--to see clearly, but he really has let you know a few things:
- He hates women.
- He is vindictive.
- He thinks that his behavior is okay--justifiable.
- He blames his actions on someone else.
- He doesn't even have good enough judgment to know.
that he is telling you he is a mean and vindictive woman-hater.
Sorry, there is no reason to stay with this man. He will not change as long as he thinks his behavior is acceptable.
I lost my husband suddenly a year and a half ago. I found solace in that we had a wonderful relationship for 29 years. I am really positive and trying to move on and to meet someone genuine and hopefully to find a great relationship again. I play tennis and love to exercise. One of my friends suggested that I connect to your website and get some advice.
So sorry to hear about the loss of your husband. Twenty Nine Years is a record breaker, now-a-days. In some ways, your dating experience will be different from that of most people who have divorced.
First, you begin your life with a very positive view of a loving relationship, because of your experience.
Secondly, many people have told me that they prefer to date someone who is widowed--rather than divorced--because the possibility of any left-over anger from divorce is much less.
The best ways to find a new love in today’s world are:
1. A friend introduces you to someone they know. This is a great way to meet, but the chances of your meeting someone are much slimmer than the other 2 choices below.
2. You meet a man through a shared interest, such as tennis, golf, travel, reading, watching sports, etc. This is great because you will already know you have some compatibility and it allows you to be friends first, if you so choose. Sometimes love can creep up on you when you least expect it.
3. Online dating.
Being married for 25 years, this whole idea may seem foreign to you. Most people no longer see this as a desperate attempt to find love, as they did at one time. It's as safe as you want to make it and there are so many people doing online dating: young, old, professional, technical, retired, religious, non-religious, smokers, no-smokers, etc. You have a large choice and variety with online dating.
I'll be adding more information--to the site-- about online dating sites, in the near future.
The funny thing about dating is that you have to be doing it somewhere (on-line, smiling and talking to people you don’t know, telling friends that you want them to look around in their people circles) just to stay in the frame of mind.
It’s not unusual for that ‘someone’ to pop up somewhere else. But he is less likely to be found if you’re not taking action yourself.
If you feel stuck in your grieving, you might want to try this hypnosis tape, Letting Go of Love Lost, to help you.
If you don’t feel stuck, Go for it and Enjoy this new part of your life.
Lastly, Stay away from anyone who is jealous of your late husband: for example, he wants you to take all the pictures away or he doesn’t want you to talk about him.
How do I deal with a husband who I love that will not stop looking around at other women when I am out and about with him...........and when he can at times makes me feel less than and puts me down even though he admits I am kind and the most loving person he knows, I have he admits done nothing to earn the behaviour he gives me but then he will not after 30 years of me being patient stop this.
I know that is really painful--when the man you love--keeps his eye on other women--when he's with you. And I know that it's hard to understand why a man you've been married to for 30 years...would keep doing it....even when he knows it hurts you.
I think of 3 possibilities here: (1) that he is feeling insecure about himself and is wanting to feel younger and more sexual himself (2) that he loves you, but has lost the spark you two had in the beginning of your relationship or that (3) he has no idea how it really 'feels to you' when he does this.
I want to suggest that you look at it from a different direction. You cannot control him, but you can control what you do.
Make sure that you are taking good care of yourself and that you are doing what you need to....to feel good about you--regardless of what he thinks. Maybe you need the stimulation of a new job. Maybe you could use some help with feeling more confident in yourself. Or perhaps you need to get out of the house and spend some time with friends, or take up a new interest or hobby.
Men are very different from women when it comes to words vs. actions. If you tell a woman that something hurts you, she usually 'gets it' right away, because words are the way women communicate. A man understands actions better than words. An action is something he can experience--like a goal in a football game--or a crash in a car movie--and even....more importantly to you....an action or a change that he sees happen in you.
For example--when a woman loses weight or starts a new job or begins working out...men notice and often become worried. These actions translate into: she could leave me or other men are going to start noticing her more....I'd better step up my game....In effect, you're telling your man--by your actions--that your happiness does not depend on him. And it shouldn't depend only on him.
So often, I know of women who have been pleading with their husbands to listen to their needs and to get help for their marriage. The husband often puts it off until she says that she wants a divorce. Then they are the ones calling my office to make an appointment...saying that they did not realize things were this bad.
Divorce is an "action they understand." Now, it's not just 'talk.' Something he does not want to happen is about to happen. These men are telling the truth....because 'saying it to them' doesn't really communicate the same way it does in a woman's world.
This is nothing negative about men. It's just how their minds, perceptions and understanding work....differently from women.
And a natural side effect of your concentrating on your self--will be his attention ... and probably a growing re-attraction to you. So you both win.
I have heard that men don't know how to love their wives because they don't know what their wives want. So, I make my specific requests made clear to my husband by saying "I feel loved when you do this or that" and when he doesn't do it, I feel very unloved. The requests are not unreasonable in my view. I feel ignored and definitely not cherished.
This is a very common question: how do you get your man to take your needs seriously? Many women tell me that they have been trying to tell their guy what they need for years and still nothing changes.
Here's the problem: men communicate and understand 'actions' much more than they understand words. They often do not 'get it' unless something happens or is going to happen. Think of what most men enjoy: goal-oriented sports, car crash scenes in the movies, for example.
Why do you think they don't like chick-flicks? Because it's all words. That's a woman's world: we're more comfortable there than men.
"Here's what you need to tell your husband: Honey, I've been trying to tell you what I need and yet nothing changes--you don't do it. I'm worried. I do not want us to end up divorced, but I can see that happening if things don't change."
You need to do this in a way that is not threatening...this is not meant to be an ultimatum.
When a woman finally decides to leave, says she wants a divorce or moves out....that's when the man is calling me for counseling. Unfortunately, it is sometimes too late....because she has lost her loving feelings for him and can't get them back.
Men often tell me at that point: yes, she has been telling me....but I didn't think it was that serious.
Don't worry about bringing up the word divorce. if you don't use it as a direct threat or ultimatum....but DO use the word.
And if you get his attention....then ask about what he needs too. Because getting his attention will not be enough to change the dynamics of your marriage; but keeping the goal of 'not getting divorced' in view, can help him to stay in a different frame of mind. You might need outside help, such as counseling, to make changes; he is most likely to go to counseling if he really believes he could lose you.
I wish you the best,
I've been divorced for six months and am finding it a challenge to get back into dating. The main problem? I just can't find a way to meet single women who I might be interested in.
I'm not into bars. I don't dance. I'm also not into religion and don't want to go to church just to meet someone. Seems like I'd be acting phony from the start. I attended one meeting of Parents Without Partners and found that most everyone was mainly interested in sex. Don't get me wrong: Sex is great. But I want to have some kind of emotional feelings that go with the sex.
I love reading. I also like to attend sports events. I'm pretty intelligent and have an off-the-wall sense of humor...so no need to drink!
I've read that meeting women while shopping for groceries in the grocery store is a good idea. That hasn't worked for me.
I'm not looking for "Ms. Right" now...just someone I can have fun with and see where the relationship goes.
What do you suggest?
I have to agree about the grocery stores. It never worked for me either. You don't know who's married, who's looking and who's married and looking?
First, I would ask friends if they know anyone who would be good for you and your stage of wanting to date and have fun vs. finding someone to love for the rest of your life. Married people don't always think about an introduction, if you don't ask. Personal introductions, although the least likely of all of your choices, are the best.
The next best way to meet someone is to join groups/activities that you truly enjoy. In your case, that may be going to sporting events, participating in sports: ski club, running club, a gym if you like working out. This is a great one because the likelihood of your finding true compatibility is far greater, when you’re both doing something you love to do. It also works to try something new, like a painting course, or a tennis clinic, a or wine class.
No matter which of the first 2 ways to look for love and romance that you use, the online dating experience is one that most people should have. First of all, it gets you out there dating again....there are so many choices on many of these sites: I think Match.com....is great place to start....it's encouraging to see pages and pages of potential people to date. People are on these sites for all reasons: from dating for fun--to finding their soulmate.
The love and romance dating sites on line offer you the opportunity --not only to meet new people--but to get used to the idea that (1) there are many people who are looking. It’s estimated that there about 40 million people on line trying to find someone to love....and...(2) there will people who will think you are wonderful and also those who aren’t attracted to you.
I tell people to go out and get 5 rejections first, before they start expecting a yes. That helps to get you past the fear of rejection. That means: write to someone you want to write to, not just who you think will answer.
Dating online is just setting up your own blind dates....and it’s better than bars: where the statistics are something like ‘only 1 in 100 times, will you meet someone you would date a second time. Read more about finding love on line.
I wish you the best,
It's been 1/2 years since i was in a relationship..haven't even dated or been out for a cup of coffee with a man since then..needed to take time to fine myself in my own life first..now ..I'm starting to warm up to the idea of opening up my heart to the possibility of having a man in my life...but I find myself hesitating and rationalizing why I'm not dating.
I'm not sure why I am hesitating....why I am afraid, but I really feel stuck. Is there any advice you can give me about this....to help me get unstuck? I’m 48 years old ...and I really do want to have love again in my life. I belong to Match.com (http//:www.match.com) ....but I just keep looking through the photos and...it sounds kind of silly...but feeling afraid about taking that first step.
I think I need to become friends with a man first...but am not sure if that will work with a man....who's on line and 'ready' to have a relationship. There are a couple of men who have written to me....and I have not responded. This is not the way I used to be?
Any suggestions?
I think your attitude is a great one: friends first--then lovers. You are more likely to like your mate in addition to loving him.
After all, this is the 'old-fashioned' way most people met in America. We lived in communities and neighborhoods. And then we knew a lot about our potential partner when we 'fell.'
In today's world, we don't live in small communities and neighborhoods, so it is more difficult to meet someone as a natural part of living life.
Of course, chemistry is a wonderful thing, too. Instant chemistry not only feels good, but it propels us past our fears: fear of being vulnerable, fear of being rejected, for example.
Since you are willing to take your time, I recommend using a couple of the online dating sites to get your feet wet. This will allow you to choose someone who also wants to be friends first.
The two best sites to get started are the largest and most well-established: Match.com and EHarmony. So not only do they have the most experience and a good reputation in the world of online dating, you will have the most choices of potential mates, as a member of these sites.
The major difference between Match.com and EHarmony.com is who does the matching. On Match.com, you make your own choices....and on EHarmony.com, they choose potential matches for you, based on questions you have answered for them.
And don't listen to the nay-sayers. When these sites are not successful, most often it is the member who isn't really giving them a chance to work.
Here are some tips for making your online dating experience a successful one for you.
Good Luck and Enjoy,
Gloria
Current Question
I am 47 years old, have never been married, and would really like to be in a loving relationship. My problem is that I really thought that I had finally found "Mr. Right" and now I'm not so sure.
Pat and I are both dancers and met each other at a dance. We were friends for several months -- dancing, talking, and sometimes going dancing for hours. As we spent more and more time together, I realized that I was beginning to have romantic feelings for Pat and I believed that he was having the same feelings for me. On a weekend camping trip, Pat and I were intimate and I was thrilled that we were now committed to each other.
A few weeks later, Pat told me that he really was "not ready" for a committed relationship¦ but still wanted to remain friends. I was devastated and did not go out dancing for several months. Finally, I went on anti-depressants and made my way back to the dance community. Pat and I still went dancing a couple of times. However, I would not dance with him -- since that was just too intimate and painful for me.
Photo Credit: Photo by RoozA few months later, Pat told me that he missed our times together and would like to give our relationship "another chance." After much thought, I said OK -- but that there would be no intimacy since I just couldn't go down that road again. He was surprised and changed his mind again.
It's now been several months and I'm doing fairly well -- well enough to now dance with Pat again. But I still love him.
Do you think that I should listen to Pat -- and try again with a relationship that includes intimacy?
Thanks so much!
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I have known Gloria for the past 4 years in a professional capacity. I refer the majority of my parishioners who are experiencing psychological problems to her... She is an outstanding therapist and I am deeply impressed with her work. I often confer with Gloria about my parishioners and have found her to have great psychological insight, the ability to quickly identify the problem and and many creative and practical solutions.
~G.M., Wrightstown, PA
