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I am 47 years old, have never been married, and would really like to be in a loving relationship. My problem is that I really thought that I had finally found "Mr. Right" and now I'm not so sure.
Pat and I are both dancers and met each other at a dance. We were friends for several months -- dancing, talking, and sometimes going dancing for hours. As we spent more and more time together, I realized that I was beginning to have romantic feelings for Pat and I believed that he was having the same feelings for me. On a weekend camping trip, Pat and I were intimate and I was thrilled that we were now committed to each other.
A few weeks later, Pat told me that he really was "not ready" for a committed relationship¦ but still wanted to remain friends. I was devastated and did not go out dancing for several months. Finally, I went on anti-depressants and made my way back to the dance community. Pat and I still went dancing a couple of times. However, I would not dance with him -- since that was just too intimate and painful for me.
A few months later, Pat told me that he missed our times together and would like to give our relationship "another chance." After much thought, I said OK -- but that there would be no intimacy since I just couldn't go down that road again. He was surprised and changed his mind again.
It's now been several months and I'm doing fairly well -- well enough to now dance with Pat again. But I still love him.
Do you think that I should listen to Pat -- and try again with a relationship that includes intimacy?
Thanks so much!
I understand how you would be afraid to down the intimacy path with Pat again--if you want a committed relationship and he may not want that. The key word here is 'may.' I'm not sure he has said that since he came back.
Love usually gets more complicated and we become more vulnerable once we start a sexual relationship with someone.
Because you say you still love Pat, there are 3 questions that I think you need answered: 2 for Pat and 1 for you.
First, the question for You:
1. Are you willing to let yourself be vulnerable and enter an intimate relationship with Pat down the road?
If your answer is a 'NO'....
It is unfair and unrealistic to expect a man or woman to commit to a relationship, when there is no intimacy. Translation: no sex. Pat needs to move on.
If you decide that you are willing to take a chance again and allow yourself to be vulnerable, then there are two questions you need answered from Pat.
2. Is Pat interested in a committed relationship this time around? In other words, find out exactly what 'give our relationship another try' means to him.
If the answer to Q#1 is 'no,' I would suggest that you take the steps to move away from Pat and open yourself to other men. Sadly, loving someone does not always mean that it can work out between the two of you. So this would involve letting go of the hope of ever having the committed relationship you wanted with him and grieving the loss.
From what you've said, that might be difficult to do if you're still dancing with him.
On the other hand, if Pat's answer to Q#2 is yes, then I would ask Q#3:
3. Is he willing to give you some time to trust and feel safe to be vulnerable again before starting up the sexual relationship again?
If the answer to this is a 'no,' MOVE ON. While you can't expect him to go long-term without a sexual relationship, his not understanding and/or accepting that you need some time is a big sign that 'It's all about him.'
And you deserve more. We all do.
Love is not love until it is given away.
There are plenty of men out there who want a committed relationship and there are ways of finding your mate.
Current Question
I am 47 years old, have never been married, and would really like to be in a loving relationship. My problem is that I really thought that I had finally found "Mr. Right" and now I'm not so sure.
Pat and I are both dancers and met each other at a dance. We were friends for several months -- dancing, talking, and sometimes going dancing for hours. As we spent more and more time together, I realized that I was beginning to have romantic feelings for Pat and I believed that he was having the same feelings for me. On a weekend camping trip, Pat and I were intimate and I was thrilled that we were now committed to each other.
A few weeks later, Pat told me that he really was "not ready" for a committed relationship¦ but still wanted to remain friends. I was devastated and did not go out dancing for several months. Finally, I went on anti-depressants and made my way back to the dance community. Pat and I still went dancing a couple of times. However, I would not dance with him -- since that was just too intimate and painful for me.
Photo Credit: Photo by RoozA few months later, Pat told me that he missed our times together and would like to give our relationship "another chance." After much thought, I said OK -- but that there would be no intimacy since I just couldn't go down that road again. He was surprised and changed his mind again.
It's now been several months and I'm doing fairly well -- well enough to now dance with Pat again. But I still love him.
Do you think that I should listen to Pat -- and try again with a relationship that includes intimacy?
Thanks so much!
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Thank you for your time, energy and expertise...at our recent conference on relationships....what an invaluable contribution I found it to be. It’s not surprising that you received very high ratings in the post session summaries.
~K.R., Warrington, PA
